


Old Memories

by theRadioStarr



Series: Lost In Thoughts [5]
Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: F/M, First Time, Implied Sexual Content, sexual awakening
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-20
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-06-03 08:59:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6604798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theRadioStarr/pseuds/theRadioStarr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Silas and Natalie have been together for a little while now, but despite Silas moving in with Natalie, they've shared little more than cuddles and kisses. Silas, ever respectful, has been trying not to push Natalie too far. The last thing he wants is to upset her or make her uncomfortable. </p><p>Natalie seems content - until she returns home from a day off spent in town with Azura. Silas shares an uncomfortable part of his past to help put her at ease. </p><p>I think I went overboard on the archive warnings - the mentions are actually quite mild, but they still exist.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Old Memories

**Author's Note:**

> I usually post everything to Tumblr, but I haven't posted this one there. I've written some pretty shameless smut before, but knowing that this game is rated Teen has me a little apprehensive to write anything too mature, nevermind actually post it.

Silas sat at the table impatiently as he waited for Natalie to return. Jakob had brought the tea up just a couple of minutes ago, claiming that Natalie had returned and was just stabling their horses from the trip before returning.

Since they’d become exclusive a few weeks ago, Silas had moved what little he had in the way of personal property into Nataile’s room, at her request. She’d come to find him one night while the moon was high in the sky in the middle of a breakdown from a nightmare. When he’d asked her how frequently this happened, she told him it was an almost nightly occurrence now, and meekly asked him if he’d come back to bed with her to help her sleep.

It was just the pressures of leadership, he knew. There were things that she couldn’t even share with _him_ ; she’d apologize with tear-filled eyes and promise that she _wanted_ to but just _couldn’t._ That he would understand eventually and then would beg for his trust. But Silas had seen the good she was doing. He knew the deepest reaches of her heart, and he knew they were gilded; so he believed, and he trusted, and her sleep came just a little easier.

They had made good progress on their march, and had decided to take a couple of days to let everyone rest. Silas had suggested she take a day trip into town with Azura to help take her mind off of things for a while. Natalie was a little unsure about whether she should, but Azura had agreed enthusiastically with him and dragged her out anyway.

They had left early that morning so they could take their time, and Silas was actually a little surprised that they were back so soon. He heard the door latch click open, surging to his feet as a smile spread across his face.

“You’re home!”

“Hey,” she answered, looking a little shy. She toed her boots off before crossing the room, stopping only an inch or so in front of him and looking up at him with her hands clasped behind her back. It was her way of quietly telling him she wanted a kiss, allowing him to decide whether he wanted to give her one or not.

As if he could deny her.

She would always unfold her hands and place them on his waist when their lips met, so she could pull him closer. Depending on how long they stayed this way, they might begin to wander.

Silas was surprised by the strength of her grip today. Even the way her lips moved with his was hungry.

“So? How’d it go?” he asked when they finally broke. “Did you have a good time?”

She nodded, and dug into her pocket for the small coin purse he’d given her. She held it out for him to take back, but he shook his head. She sighed, but let it fall to her side. “It was lots of fun. I didn’t end up buying anything other than lunch and a cup of tea just before we left to come home.”

“Are you sure? Because it doesn’t look like you had a good time.”

“No, I did, I just-” She sucked in a deep breath, and then let it out in a sigh, walking absently toward the bed and sitting on the edge. She placed the little coin purse next to her hip and then folded her hands, leaning forward with her elbows braced on her thighs. “Laslow ran into us just after we left and invited himself along. If he’d only found us in the stables instead, I would have sent for you to join us, but we were too far gone already.”

“I can only imagine,” Silas chuckled as he crossed the room to join her.

“Actually, he was very well behaved. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think he has a thing for Azura,” Natalie told him brightly before staring down at her hands again. “Anyway, we did lots of window shopping, but none of us really bought anything. I think Laslow’s been into that town before, he seemed to know where everything was… anyway, then we came to this book store. It was _incredible_. I’ve never seen one that size in such a small village. Laslow immediately drags Azura and I off to show her some books, and then tells her that we’ll be back.”

She fell silent for a few moments, and Silas didn’t say anything, waiting for her to find her words. “So he takes me – just me – down some aisle and out of earshot and tells me he has a section I should find to be very _educational_. I thought he meant that there would be strategy tomes, or a guide on how to clean dragon scales or something, but, uh… well, this is _Laslow_ we’re talking about.”

Silas was confused. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, these books he showed me… I don’t know how to describe it nicely. They were full of – of diagrams, and descriptions of different ways to – to…” She heaved a short sigh. “I was mortified. Laslow, of all people, had dragged me aside to give me a rundown on – on – _reproduction._ ”

There was silence for a few more seconds, but Silas couldn’t help but laugh at the colour burning on her cheeks. “I’m guessing it wasn’t something you were taught about?”

“I knew about the very basics of it, sure – _this goes here then this happens and then maybe you’ll give him an heir_ ,” Natalie answered him. “But when you’re a princess – and an isolated one at that – it has a very different meaning than it does to the farmer who got to marry a woman he had time to fall in love with.”

Ah, right. She was royalty, and it was only expected that she’d be married off to a promising prince in order to forge alliances with other kingdoms, regardless of her wishes.

“Anyway, it was very eye-opening, to say the least. And it got me thinking,” she continued, breaking his train of thought. Her voice fell to barely above a whisper. “I grew up, my whole life, expecting to be locked up in that castle until I could be carted off to another kingdom as someone else’s property. I wasn’t ever a person of my own, who had control over my life, who could make her own choices, who could say _no, Father, I won’t take him, find me someone else_ and have that wish respected. I was a pawn in a war I knew nothing about, and if Garon hadn’t let me out of that castle, I would have remained that way. I think about the kind of people my fath – King Garon would marry me or my sisters to, and they’re all vile and twisted, like him. I would be nothing more than a _thing_ to those kinds of men, something pretty to keep around for working out their anger, be it with their fists or otherwise. That’s if they even _thought_ me pretty. At least Camilla has a figure and Elise is cute – I’m just kind of average.”

Silas reached over and put his hand on hers where they were still folded together. He didn’t say anything, despite wanting to scream to the heavens about how she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever laid eyes on. Their eyes met, and she flushed pink again; he wondered if she had seen it there.

“Can I tell you a story?” he asked her quietly. “It’s not exactly a nice story, but maybe it’ll help put you at ease.”

“Of course,” she told him immediately.

He nodded and turned a little on the bed to face her more. She mimicked his movement. “I was taken on as a page to a good friend of my father’s after you saved me from my execution. My parents thought it the safest place for me to be after that, and I was with him until I was knighted. Life around him was hard, and strict, but always very fair. There was no unnecessary anger, no shouting unless it was too loud to speak normally, and always correcting though teaching instead of through force. He was a great teacher, and many of the other pages and squires expressed jealousy at my ability to work with him.

“One of the very first things he taught me was not to fear emotion, even anger, but also not to let it cloud my mind. An educated man need not lose himself to his baser desires, because he is above that. I always respected that, and strived to achieve it.”

“I think you did an excellent job,” Natalie told him when he stopped for a breath, and he chuckled.

“Thank you.” He rearranged their hands so they were both held between them, and rubbed absent circles into the backs of her with his thumbs. “There were a lot of knights and squires and pages around where we were stationed. One day, I can remember hearing some of the older squires talking about going to the pub that night, and finding some wenches-” he grimaced at the word “-and talking about the things they were going to do. I didn’t understand any of it, and I was concerned. I was about eleven or twelve, and _should_ I know these things? Gregoire – my teacher – picked up on my confusion and sat me down with a pot of tea to talk to me about it. I told him what I’d heard, and I can still remember the disappointed and disgusted face he made.

“The first thing he asked me was how I felt about hearing them talking about a woman like that. I told him it made me uncomfortable, and he nodded at me. Told me I was right to feel that way, and then he walked over to the bookshelf, grabbed a tome, and laid it in front of me – I have a feeling it may have been a copy of the same one Laslow was showing you earlier,” Silas laughed again. “One thing I remember him being very, _very_ clear on was respect, and that women are not as weak and fragile as so many make them out to be. I remembered you, then, and my mother, and I wondered how anyone would assume that a woman could be weak. Anyway – he taught me a lot that day. Told me I still had time yet before I would want to put that knowledge to use, but he would rather I be educated on it than learn it from some dastard who’d never cracked the spine of a tome in his life.”

“Wish I’d had someone like that. Would have saved me a ton of confusion as I was growing up,” Natalie laughed.

“I was lucky, that’s for sure,” Silas agreed. “Anyway, I felt much better after that. Life went on. But I remember one other incident, about a month before I turned fifteen. I was a squire by then. Gregoire took me with him for a battle he’d been sent to – it was a skirmish, really, a small town who was revolting and needed to be set straight. A bunch of farmers who could barely hold more than a pitchfork pitted themselves against dozens of cavaliers. I don’t think I need to tell you who won.

“After the battle, I could tell that Gregoire was waiting for something. He looked anxious, like he wanted to leave, but when I suggested it he shook his head and asked me to watch. I can remember looking around and feeling sick. There were corpses all over the ground, the smell horrifically strong as it always is in the beginning, and off to the side, the wives were screaming and crying. One threw a rather hefty stone at one of the knights. It clanged off of his breastplate really loudly – I can remember it ringing in my ears long after it should have – and yet it was deadly silent. He gestured vaguely and slid out of his saddle, and three of his friends did the same around us. My discomfort turned to full on nausea when I saw him reach out and use the back of his hand to strike that woman across the face. Then his friends grabbed her, and – I – I’ll spare you the imagery.” Silas’ eyes screwed shut as the image returned to him. “It still haunts my dreams after a tough battle. Suffice to say they made a great example out of a woman grieving her dead husband.”

He finally opened his eyes again, and saw Natalie’s face distorted with empathetic pain. “What did you do?”

“Well, the first thing I did was lose my breakfast,” Silas admitted with a quiet sigh. “Right over the side of my horse. Ruined my boot, too, but Gregoire bought me new ones. And then my horse panicked, and took off – I could barely hold on, but her charge ended up saving that poor woman her life. Well – it ended up prolonging it. I discovered later that she ended up with child, and died giving birth to it. But Gregoire was able to give her something to make herself decent again so she could go home, and she – she thanked me for saving her. Told me she was happy to see that not all the Nohrian knights were such pigs.”

There was silence for a moment. “What happened to the baby? Do you know?”

Silas nodded. “Born with a cat lip. It couldn’t nurse, so they gave it a quick death.”

“I’m sorry you witnessed that.”

“You know, I’m not.” Silas met her eyes again. “I learned the true hearts of men who let power get to their heads that day, and I made a vow that I would never become that. I remember Gregoire telling me how proud he was of me. He said it was a test to see if I was really worthy of continuing to study to a full knighthood under him. And I swore I would give myself to a woman who would keep me humble, and grounded, and remind me that there’s more in the world than the power to take that which you covet but can’t have in any capacity. Because I could never – _ever_ – allow myself to become what I saw that day.”

He was almost surprised to see Natalie smile at him. “I know. See, when Laslow first showed me this tome, and started talking to me, I was terrified. It didn’t do much but remind me of my expected duties as a princess, and I had to deal with the sudden realization that when this is over, my wants may become second to my kingdom’s needs again. It haunted me as we left the bookshop and headed down the road for tea. But then I realized… I realized that I didn’t have to stand for it anymore. I am leading an army to overthrow a corrupt king, and I will have my wants at the end of this regardless of how anyone feels about it. And then I thought more about – about what those _duties_ entailed, and – and I’m – well, I’m still terrified, but I feel a lot better knowing that my body will be given _willingly_ and _happily_ to a man that I love and trust, instead of being taken whether I like it or not by a man I’ve been given to like property.”

Silas pulled a hand free from where it was clasped with hers between them and brushed some stray hair out of her face. “I promise, I won’t push. I know that princesses are treated much differently than princes in this regard – gods, even the female squires were treated differently than us boys – and I don’t want you to ever be uncomfortable. That is a promise.”

“Than _us_ boys?” Natalie asked, a brow quirking in curiosity. Her tone was light, almost playful, and Silas flushed red.

“Well, um – I – I do have – I mean, I _have_ – I’m a little more – more _intimately_ familiar with the mechanics of it,” he finally admitted.

She laughed again and pulled him forward. His lips crashed into hers; he could hear her breath shaking, and the way she grabbed at him left no doubt in his mind that her mind had gone elsewhere. He was hardly surprised when she fell backwards and dragged him on top of her.

“Natalie?”

She looked at him with heavy eyes, the pupils blown wide. “I also realized how horrifically incompetent I am,” she told him, “and I – I don’t _want_ to be incompetent. I have been a shut-in prisoner my entire life and I – I want to live life the way life should be lived. Is this the way life should be lived?”

“Will it make you happy?”

“Yes.”

“Then this is the way life should be lived.”

“Then I suppose the last question would have to be about whether you prefer a pretty virginal flower for a wife or not.”

Silas actually laughed out loud at that. “I’d rather a wife who loves me.”

She smiled brightly at him, her grip at his back biting deeper. “Good answer,” she told him, and then he pressed her deeper into the mattress as he kissed her until they couldn’t breathe.

**Author's Note:**

> I tried here to bring together more historical noble approaches to sexual relationships with Fire Emblem's oddly more progressive ones - the idea that these characters aren't technically getting married in the middle of a war but are still having kids (and fun). And since I'm not a history major, I'm sure I got some of the details wrong, but I feel like it fit okay? I don't even know what I'm talking about at this point.


End file.
